Successful professional, mid-thirties, extrovert, family man, life enthusiast, active, a little wild, compassionate, loyal…these are just a few things that describe me. Breweries, Bars, Concerts, Parties? Absolutely. I was your normal guy. No, I am your normal guy. But, life changes menus. 

I still do all of these things, except partake in the alcohol portion, and unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, it was not by choice.

When the menu changes, change your order. 

I am currently working through what life will look like as I progress and explore the world through a different lens. The mix of emotions is scared, sad, anxious, freeing(?), and unknown. Yes, unknown. However, I was always taught from a young age, when you fall down, dust your knees off and get back up. This dust may just be harder to get off than most, but it won't stain. 

It has been 7 days without alcohol. I am beginning my new life menu. All the things, all the fun, no alcohol. Am I scared, absolutely. Will it be okay? I get to make of it what I want. What do I want? To have a great fucking life! I was diagnosed with Pancreatitis and can no longer safely consume alcohol.

I am currently working through how to live this new world with my new menu. What I keep reminding myself is that I am still ME! We live in a world drowning in alcohol and it seems to, or for me at least, be the center of most things. Maybe by choice, but wherever you turn, wherever you look, it is there. So now it is time for me to adjust. It is time for me to not hide, but rather, understand it is not available on my menu. 

Let’s rewind to understand a little more. I drank often. Sometimes too much. Sometimes socially. Sometimes because drinking was simply what we were doing. And sometimes, if I'm being truthful, because it quieted anxiety for a little while even though I knew it usually handed that anxiety back to me with interest. I suffer from panic disorder and have for over a decade. 

After ending up in the hospital 7 days ago with Pancreatitis, I knew things would be forever different after a few frantic Google searches, conversations with doctors, friends, and an unhealthy amount of time interrogating ChatGPT. What I read was horrifying. What I was told was not what I expected. But first, I was just trying to relieve the pain. Damn, the pain! After 24 hours, and many of them being spent researching while battling pain, I knew my life and the choices I make had to change or I would be a frequent flyer. I got home and did exactly as was told. Bland diet, no alcohol, rest. I have had what is considered a very successful recovery, and could not be more thankful. I now turn to navigating this alcohol drenched world knowing it will not be on my menu. 

I will now look to order fun with a side of mocktail. I am okay with this…I think. It is so soon, and so unknown, but with a strong support system like I have, I can and will do this. Whether you choose to live alcohol free or are forced into it like me, I hope you find peace in knowing you are not alone. 

For me, it was not only about getting drunk. A lot of the time it was not about alcohol at all. Familiarity. Celebration. It was ritual. Suddenly, while all of these things are still here - the family, the friends, the concerts, the events, the parties, the games - one ingredient is missing. I don’t know what my first alcohol-free vacation will feel like. I don’t know whether sitting at a bar drinking something with 0.0% alcohol will feel completely normal or completely ridiculous. I don’t know what I’ll miss six months from now or 5 years from now that I don’t miss today. I’m learning. 

That is partly why I started this. I wanted somewhere to write down what happens next. Not because I think I have answers. If anything, the interesting part is that I don’t. There is already an enormous amount of content on the internet about sobriety. Some of it is inspiring. Some of it is clinical. Some of it feels like it was written by people who have arrived somewhere I haven’t. That isn’t what this is. This is from inside the change.

I want to write about the first dinners, the first trips, the strange little cravings, the things that turn out to be easier than expected and the things that don’t. I want to understand why certain rituals mattered so much in the first place. And I suspect this will eventually become about more than alcohol. Because sooner or later, life changes the menu for everyone.

A diagnosis.

A relationship ending.

A job disappearing.

A plan that doesn’t work.

A version of yourself you thought you would always be.

Sometimes we choose change. Sometimes change chooses us.

Either way, the question eventually becomes the same: What now?

I don’t want this next part of my life to be defined entirely by what I can’t do. I still want long dinners. Trips abroad. Great food. Late nights with friends. Celebrations. A strong and gratifying relationship with my partner. Stories I probably shouldn’t tell publicly. Something cold in my hand while sitting near the water. I still want all of it. That idea is ultimately where the name of this blog came from. The menu changed, but I’m still at the table.

And for now, I think that’s enough.

-- J.

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